My Ayahuasca Journey May 2018
An Incredible Plant Medicine
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"Ayahuasca gives you what you need, not what you want."
It all began with one indie film. . .
My co-star and I were sitting outside on the porch of an apartment in a horrible area of Los Angeles. What do actors do during down time while on set? They chat; about almost anything and everything. It can be very intimate as you learn deep secrets, dreams, and more. This particular evening I learned that my co-star's brother suffered terribly from PTSD and that Ayahuasca had helped him. He, himself, was interested in Ayahuasca. I let that night of information go, but the ideas of Ayahuasca continued to churn deep within me. From what I can remember of conversations about Ayahuasca was that, you consume a tea, get taken out into the forest, vomit and have diarrhea, all the while a Shaman guides you. My interest was piqued, but I didn't know how to spell the name, so I really didn't pursue much more than a vague thought on the matter and really wasn't sure if shitting myself sounded like fun. That is until I found Graham Hancock and my life would be changed forever.
I do not remember the time, nor the place; however, I was on YouTube, as I normally am when I am listening to Solfeggio Frequencies or some notable philosopher such as Robert Anton Wilson, Terrence Mckenna, or Joe Rogan's podcasts, and I came upon Graham Hancock's banned Ted Talk about consciousness. If you haven't the slightest clue as to who I mean, or which talk I speak of, it is something that I 100% recommend you listen to as soon as you are able! Here is where he talks about Ayahuasca; the incredible plant medicine that I felt a calling to and am ever grateful I listened to that call.
So what exactly is Ayahuasca? In my own words I would say: It is a plant medicine; a nasty-tasting, life-changing, brew that makes you purge physically and emotionally, gives you visions which can heal you and make you whole inside and out, and if you're lucky you see Aliens.
The literal definition as I have read on Warrior.do is as follows:
Ayahuasca is a South American tea containing the potent psychedelic chemical N,N-dimethyltryptamine (DMT), which is a human neurotransmitter. The ayahuasca vine (Banisteriopsis caapi) is combined with the leaves from the shrub Psychotria viridis (or other DMT containing plants) to create the tea. Ayahuasca is the name given to the Banisteriopsis caapi vine and also the foul-tasting tea.
As quickly as I wanted to partake in the sacrament (and indeed it is a sacrament, not something to take lightly or do for some high), I was months away from it. I had purchased my retreat in October 2017 and my first ceremony was to be on May 12th, 2018! There were many months of trials and tribulations when I could have been healed so much faster if I was able to partake sooner. However, the Universe works in ways that are meant to help you grow and learn. Also, I do believe that the people I shared the journey with were meant to be there with me. It all worked out in such a fashion of synchronicity. Be it as my retreat was far off in the distance gave me time to work on myself through mediation, and self-healing practices that include breathing exercises and helpful talks and podcasts about raising your vibrations to that of a higher frequency.
Yet, through all this self-healing, meditation and more, I was still overly emotional, crying at absolutely everything. Feeling devastated about the horrors that wrought this Earth through the destruction of the planet (our oceans and rain forest), to the suffering of the people in many parts of the world, through war and famine, and the terrible treatment of our animal brethren with grotesque factory farms, trophy hunting, poaching, dog meat festivals and mass slaughters of whales and dolphins, not to mention the captivity of many beautiful creatures. I felt lost, suicidal. Why should I have this beautiful life and bear witness to the horrors, and be powerless to make a difference.
I felt like suicide was my answer. My cousin had recently taken his life, and in many ways I was envious of his success and at the time I considered him brave for doing it. I didn't pity him, nor felt like what he did was selfish. Instead, I felt taking the path of suicide was self-less, at least for the reasons that I had planned for in committing such an act. Another reason Ayahuasca was calling to me is because I had marital problems. I had hurt many people, myself included, but namely my husband. I treated him in the cruelest way and hurt him over and over again. I was debating on breaking it off, and I knew I needed answers. What tied into my problems in marriage I blamed on being lost, not loving myself or others - in true form - and having some kind of childhood trauma buried in my sub-conscious mind. All of which I was determined to be healed from with Ayahuasca. I would cry knowing that the ceremony was getting closer and closer each passing day.
To prepare for the ceremonies, I purchased "Be Here Now" by Baba Ram Dass for reading material while on the plane, in the hostel, and during the retreat. This book has also been instrumental in my healing process after the Ayahuasca ceremonies and many things I learned while under the intoxicating effects of Ayahuasca, were reinforced with continual lessons I was able to learn from the book.
So what was my journey like? I will spare you the details of my traveling; feeding stray dogs, trying to save a kitten (video), doing yoga at a hostel, and loathing the city. All the way up to my time at the retreat, the people I met, the wonders of holding a rescued sloth, feeding a wild monkey, walking the rain forest in pitch darkness, and swimming in a dangerous river in the Amazon. I will focus this paper on my journal entries of what I experienced each night with Mother Ayahuasca.
Mother Ayahuasca or as some will call her Gaia, is a very real entity that is the true healer in the medicine. The shamans, the facilitators, and yourself are all instrumental in this process; however, Mother is the one who can tear you apart, and build you back up. She can show you real trauma and heal you in an instant. She can take you through darkness and absolute magic, but the key is to trust her. She is an incredible being and she is within each of us as she is also the Earth, and dweller on both this plane and the astral plane, she is divine love and without her, I don't know where I would be.
My beautiful facilitators Cecilia and Marco
Let's begin. . .
Ceremony 1
We began the night with a flower bath from our female shaman, Bellamira. We sat on a little wooden stool out on the deck that protruded over an off-shoot of the Amazon river as the Shaman graciously poured river water filled with flower petals over our head and body. What a rush to the senses! Cold water and golden-yellow flowers -with such an exquisite smell- pouring over your being, cleansing you, revitalizing you. It was quite lovely and became my favorite part of each ceremony..
Shaman Bellamira giving the flower bath (photo by Jesse Laraux)
Each night this was to be repeated at 5pm and our ceremonies would begin with preparation at 7pm and partaking the brew at 8pm. The wait felt forever, and quick at the same time. The sky would darken, and we would turn on our headlamps to move around the property with anticipation poignant throughout the group. I prepared with the Wim Hof method and a mini yoga session. When time was called, we all eagerly, yet tentatively made our way into the jungle on our two minute walk to our Malaca in the darkness. The Malaca was lit with only two candles and beds were placed in a circle around the room with the facilitators by the door and the Shamans at the head of the circle. Cei Cei, our lovely female facilitator decided to tell us that cockroaches will be all over us throughout the night, which we were all ready to deal with, save Lilian (a gal from NY who probably has a bad relationship with city roaches) so she kept her guard up and kept shining her light throughout each ceremony because she was so afraid of them. We tried to tell her that rain forest roaches were beautiful and not harmful in the slightest.
Despite the fear of roaches, spiders and scorpions, I felt immense gratitude. Grateful for absolutely everything. I wanted to cry. In fact, I think I did cry. It was so beautiful, the energy in the room, the instant friends we had all become. We were all there together in that moment hoping for magic, for healing, for whatever was to come our way. We did a group meditation and breathing exercise and then took time to ourselves before the shamans came in.
I loved watching the shamans enter the room with their traditional garb on. They were short people and almost waddled when they walked, but it was so adorable and regal at the same time. My eagerness was beyond me. When it was my turn to drink the brew, I felt my heart racing. Graciously I accepted the brew, this particular batch was Ayahuasca Cielo, and drank. It didn't taste at all bad. I was shocked so many people say how disgusting the brew is. I also took two puffs from mapacho (tobacco) even though I hadn't wanted to in the first place. But I felt wrong to refuse something the Shaman offered. Later, I decided there was a reason the night went as it had, because I had done something I didn't want to do, and this journey was about finding my voice.
The Shamans drink after us and when they're ready they signal for the candle to be snuffed. Once the candle went out I started hearing people purge into their buckets. I gagged maybe two or three times, but I wouldn't allow myself to vomit. I didn't want to. So I fought the urge. Several others got up and left to go to the bathroom. One individual began talking to himself. I giggled a bit, but for the most part, nothing happened. I was, what I think I was, 100% lucid. I was disappointed, and tried to shut out the noises of the room and go to sleep. When the shamans came to me to sing the Icaros, I was bored. I was like "shouldn't something be happening? Wasn't I supposed to see wolves?" I told the shamans thank you, and just returned to sleep. When the shamans called the ceremony around midnight, and people were getting up to go back to their tambos at the center, I just stayed in the bed because I was just too mad to move, and too tired.
May 13th Journal Entry:
"A first I thought perhaps I was seeing glowing lines everywhere, even a mandala, but it was more normal than anything like when you shut the light off and see colors, etc. Nothing new there. Then the man next to me purged over and over again. he began to shake and moan. Screaming, laughing, making demonic sounds. I waited. Maybe I was next. I yawned. Then yawned again. I was told yawning was a sign that Mother was coming. I prepared myself, I gagged three times, but didn't purge. I didn't drink water because I thought I was told not to. Then there was nothing, for the rest of the night. I just laid there listening to man next to be go though heaven and hell. The shamans made their way around the circle touching us one by one, singing to us, then sucking and blowing on us with a scent of sugar cane or cream soda. I cried when Bellamira came to me, but honestly I felt and experienced, what I assume was nothing. I saw images of theme parks (normal thought images) and times when my brother and I were lost in Disneyworld, everything around me smelled like motor oil, I found myself wishing Sean was there. I tried to change my intention but nothing came. That night I dreamt that Bellamira made me do push-ups because I was walking barefoot (later I determined I would be barefoot at the next ceremony instead of wearing socks). The sun rose around 6am and Marco, one of our facilitators, said "Good morning cosmic travelers" and with somewhat good humor, mindful to not be too surely, I remarked "I didn't go anywhere" and I put on my boots to trek back through the mud to my current space for the next week to write. I really don't know what to feel, I can't be angry, or sad or irritated, I am a smidge of those, but mostly I feel nothing. Maybe I was found wanting. Maybe I didn't have a strong enough intention. Maybe it wasn't my night. My intentions were 'Mother Ayahuasca, please show me the way... forgiveness, freedom, love and light'. Maybe it was too broad. . ."
The next day during our group share I found out that I wasn't the only one who had remained lucid, so I talked myself down from my irritation and decided I needed to be less wanting, with less desire, and to solidify my intentions. I also found out that you are supposed to drink water. (Now this is important! Water makes you purge, when you purge, the magic begins* I will elaborate on this point as you read) The day passed slowly as I was craving to do the next ceremony. Swimming with Cesar helped the time pass in a very special way! I also believe he was there to remind us all of our inner child and how truly lively and free we can be.
Ceremony 2
- May 13th (Mother's Day)
Half the world is prepping for a day to spend with their mothers and I am in Peru in the jungle on a spiritual quest. the night before I had prepared myself to accept that something would happen for me and something would not happen for me. As the sun came up I had to remind myself that I need to accept both outcomes and not be bitter or angry for it.
Before the ceremony we each had a one on one with the Shamans. I immediately broke down spilling the most intimate dark details of my life. As I was crying Bellamira started smoking mapacho and blowing her smoke everywhere (this is a strong plant medicine as well as it clears the air much like sage does). But in the end everyone understood me more, and Bellamira offered a medicine for my period that I needed to take twice a day. It tasted like whisky in a way, and from what I know, had dragons blood in it. What I learned from my one on one was that I needed the medicine to do its work and to trust Mother Ayahuasca.
I decided my intentions for the night were "To know what genuine love feels like and to embody genuine love"
Journal entry excerpt:
"Last night was beyond words. mostly I can describe feelings, and what I saw escapes me the minute I try to grasp it. I don't want to forget it. I went into the ceremony completely different than the first. I wanted to see mother's world. I wanted to feel divine love. I wrote my intentions on my hands (something I would continue to do each night) . My left hand "Embody genuine love" on my right hand "higher dimensions". Before my flower bath yesterday I smudged myself and my gems with sage (something I would also continue to do each night). I was cleansed by my bath and prepared for the ceremony with the Wim hof Method and I could hear him say "witness" and that word remained with me throughout the night. During group share I remember the facilitator Cei Cei say not to try to hold on to anything but just to sit back and observe, much like watching television.
-- Found this artist at Karma Cafe: Anderson Debernardi--
At the ceremony, we prepared with Marco leading a scanning mediation, I felt as if I was transcending the space with the meditation, then Cei Cei smudged us with Palo Santo and I did not accept mapacho this time. I believe all of this helped with my journey this night. I did bring a mapacho cigarette with me to my bed as I heard that it cleanses and helps focus the journey, but I wanted to respect my voice and I was still saying no. This time the brew tasted horrible and I wanted to brush my teeth. I started feeling heavy, I watched fireflies in the night. I drank water after the candles went out (15-20 minutes after drinking) and went into a space of allowing. I had set my intentions much clearer and let them go. I started seeing shapes in the trees but I couldn't tell if I was forcing them or not. Then I started to see bright psychedelic-esque shapes (like paintings from the 60's) all around me.
-- Similar to the shapes and colors in this painting (without the face of the man. But this was the start of every visionary experience. Darkness all around with these type of shapes floating and mingling with you. When these started you knew your journey was about to begin.
-- Photo of a painting taken from Karma Cafe in Iquitos, artist unknown --
Bright neon purples, greens, blues, all forming all over; lines and circles everywhere. I was getting excited. I began dry-heaving, Patrick threw up and I was like here we go again. then I felt like I was swinging in a hammock ( I thought maybe here I was being healed of my motion sickness, which later I was able to fly on the airplane without any meds or ginger!) like I was cradled while laying down and I was swinging, then I had to vomit. It was sudden, I couldn't stop it. I felt pee come out (later I found out that it was actually my period! more on this later!) Then when I felt like I had purged whatever was in my stomach, I stopped myself from continuing to vomit. I did not want to puke on top of the other puke. I wanted my bucket clean. I most likely could have throw up again, or willing to throw up again, if I had a clean bucket. Then I saw more and more shapes surrounding me. I was unable to move, they moved around me. I was then 100% immersed in these shapes, mandalas, mushrooms, I was in a fantasy. Lines everywhere, I wasn't in the Malaca anymore, I was just on my bed in this new world, then I tumbled down, somewhere I could tell my body was moving around and around on my bed, but in this world I was dizzy, nauseous, spinning into a world of magic and shapes of colors, a huge room with a bucket pouring out melted pink ice cream. somewhere I could hear Patrick (I knew where he was physically before we began, opposite side of the room, but he began to purge and cry and talk and I didn't know where the sound was coming from. It sounded so close, yet so far, and then I was in a cupcake frosting swirl, I was micro-human seeing the inside world of this swirl with figurines dancing it was like a cartoon dance number and I saw so much very similar to the above painting (without the human figures and snakes came the next two nights).
Alex Grey Visionary Art
Then I began to laugh at Patrick, a small giggle at first but then it turned into a legit laugh attack as I was spinning in this world. I began laughing so hard at absolutely everything. Everyone's pain, joy, everything. I was on my knees (I think) with my head in my blanket and laughing my ass off. a part of me felt guilty for being loud and a larger part of me felt/knew that I was healing the room or even the world and then it was done. so quick. I was snapping back into my normal lucid reality and I was so happy she had taken me into love, true happiness. it wasn't very pointed, it was crazy. I thought briefly I needed to smoke mapacho to be more focused, but I was too far into the other realm. Then I turned to look at the stars and they were so beautiful peeking through the trees of the rain forest, and I asked mother if she had anything else to show me and suddenly the trees turned darker (keep in mind were in pitch darkness) but the trees were vibrating and getting closer and I knew it wasn't going to be good, I told her not tonight. they tried coming at me again and again I said "no" I wanted to stay happy. So they went away. Then drunkenly I got up to pee and realized I had blood all over me. I was a wee mad because my period came a week early, but oh well. I stumbled back in after stopping to sit down and look at the stars but I just felt wasted. I realized the shamans had just started singing! So I went back in and sat down and waited for my turn. At one point I turned to look back at the stars but they weren't there so I took it as a sign to sleep.
then I woke up to feeling a presence. Lilian was vomiting a shit ton again and the shaman Segundo was on my bed reaching over to her. I felt him with my toes and knew it was him. her vomiting made me giggle a few more times, but I was progressively getting lucid. I felt bad for her but I knew she needed it. I believe the purpose of my laughter was to show me to enjoy life, and to understand pain and suffering are temporary and happiness and love can cure the world. Not to hold on so dearly to things that make me sad. I don't want to lose these visions or feelings. It was so magical. It just sucks you have to experience it sick off your ass, but most of your purging is emotional. You think your vomiting all night, but the next day you look in your bucket and it's really nothing. During the vomiting you think "I am never doing this again" but after the night is over, you're like "I'm ready for the next round!" Back in my bed I had a vision of me with a food cart called Divine Love raw juices, nice cream and smoothies. I feel like this is perhaps the business path I need to pursue. Wonder if that was Aya talking to me?"
Each morning after the ceremony we had group share at 10am. Here we learned so much from each other, helped one another on our paths and grew in our own journey as well. No judgment, just love and friendship. What I learned from June was that I had started my period on the night of a new moon, which means rebirth! I truly believe we were all meant to be there together and we had a small group of 7 people, which was nice.
Day 3 was a jungle excursion, and night jungle walk
Ceremony 3 and Kambo (Frog Poison)
Kambo: Is named after a shaman who apparently placed his soul within the frog into to heal people and give them visions. Traditionally used alongside Nu-Nu (psycho-active snuff) to give hunters visions of where prey would be in order for them to hunt. Kambo is what we called this frog poison but other cultures simply have called it Sapo (toad). Kambo has been used by many tribes in jungles to cleanse people of evil, egos, addictions, arthritis, parasites, and even cancer. Our guide, Victor, had stated that his mother and aunt both had cancer and with Kambo he was able to cure them. Now Kambo is not a walk in the park and certainly a one-time use will not cure cancer. It is quite an awful experience. It is a medicine that moves through your body and rids you of all the toxins that you are holding on to. It loosens plaque buildup in the blood stream and cleans out fat, dirt and dead skin in your body's cells and pores. it helps eliminate toxins that block your organs from functioning properly. Since our guide has been using Kambo he has never been sick, no flu, no fever, no malaria, nothing. Many people have had similar success stories with Kambo, it's quite a powerful medicine. Victor informed us that he is very respectful on how he obtains Kambo. He catches the frog, tickles it so that it excretes the poison, and very graciously and with thanks, sets the frog free. Whatever, the frog eats helps the potency of the poison; no scientist has been able to successfully keep the frog species in captivity and get the healing toxin they desire. I believe, the frog needs to be in the jungle because more than food, it's the spirit of the jungle that the frog needs and that we need if we are to graciously accept the medicine. The frog excretes the most potent of poison in the first few drops of the secretion. If you should rid the frog of all of its poison you put the frog in jeopardy without it's defense mechanism and you take with greed. It is best to just ask for a little bit and kindly let the frog be.
* you may either read, or watch my video diary entry or both!
Next, Victor makes you drink 2 liters of water before taking the poison. That was a hard part of this! I vomited before even getting poisoned. then he burns the end of a bamboo stick to heat up the surface to burn your skin. We got three burn marks on our skin followed by the frog poison which was mixed with our own spit (I was bummed because I had just thrown up and he made me spit with my vomit-mouth onto my stick). I was sitting in front of my bucket and immediately felt my heart start to race, POUNDING in my chest. My face flushed, my head hurt, all the pain I had in my body was amplified, especially my menstrual pains. I retched into my bucket and I could see my face swell up, I couldn't breathe because my throat was closing up. I didn't want the frog face, then I started dry heaving, and Cei Cei came over and made me drink water, but I couldn't because I wasn't able to swallow. But as they watched me purge they said that my bile looked good, they were happy I was getting a deep cleanse. Then they washed off the poison and rubbed fresh-cut limes on my temples to cool my fever. It was hard to breath, my body and dress was soaked with water. I got up and made my way to the shower and stayed there in the cold water forever. I began to laugh but it sounded like a demon, so I laughed harder. I played with my swollen lips and made child-like sounds. I knew this was connected to my journey of finding happiness and my inner child, and laughing away pain. This was totally ego-healing. I then walked out of the shower, with my frog face, butt-naked and stomped my little ass out into the jungle. My facilitator came running after me with a towel, and we just laughed. I was the only one with frog face, but I knew the poison was working on my face from all my egoic insecurities as well as toxins from all my surgeries (chin, teeth, nose, eyes, and the fact that I felt a cold coming on - which is why I think my throat closed up-) along with the childlike behavior and feelings, allowed me to be okay with myself. To love myself the way a child loves themselves; without judgment.
Both Ayahuasca and Kambo are more than just medicines, they are healers with a true spirit within them.
My Frog Face a few hours after
Ceremony 3
Now this journey was one for the books.
A thunderstorm with magnificent lightning strikes filled the sky this night. The rain was thunderous and loud drowning out any other sound in the room. I experienced a journey through the most fearsome and frightening darkness, purging physical and emotional guilt, fear and more, into a night of literal re-birth as at one point I was a baby; sounding like a baby, sucking on my flannel as if it were a pacifier. Yelling for Cei Cei to come rescue me and pull me out of there, but she said I needed to do it on my own. A night of letting go of fear, of finding divine light and love. A night where Mother spoke to me as if I were a baby, bringing me to light and sharing with me, in the most loving way, words as clear as day like "You are healing", "Fear is all in your mind", "Remember you are beautiful", "There's is power in our blood", "Water is life", "Breathe", things like I won't get asthma, that I need to take the same amount of Aya tomorrow, and I can still be vegan and I will completely healthy, that I am creative and can use my voice for good... if I tried to hold on to her voice, she would talk gibberish, but then I would let go and I could hear her speak to me. but the crazy thing was that she was talking to me through Patrick's voice (another guest)! What?!!! Crazy! Jesse (a guest) laid next to me in his own throws of misery or enlightenment, what have you, and at one point he gave me his water, he had said I was Gaia for him and as he would try to speak to me, he sounded scary, and I told him to shush, so I could hear Patrick. I was clinging to his/Mother's words. Finally I crawled over to Lilian who decided not to drink this night, and she was petting me as I laid on her legs, looking at her as if she was this beautiful woman-like mushroom in a peaceful garden with luminous flowers and butterflies and I was again a micro-human looking up at her feeling utterly at peace. Learn more from my video...
Ceremony 4
The night began the same again. The darkness, the desire to get out. Calling Cei Cei over to help me as she encourages me to drink water, and to listen to the Shamans. She wouldn't help me any further with light or words, but she stayed next to me until she feels it is okay for her to leave. I could see Lilian turn on her light as she was looking for cockroaches and I asked her to keep it on, but she wasn't allowed to. I just wanted out of that place, out of the darkness. I would scream "I want out" and as I did, I would purge. Searching for my bucket in the darkness, being forced to drink more water, and told to let it go, that I am love and to listen to the shaman's icaros. I couldn't believe I was there again, but some part of me knew I would get out as I did before, but I was fighting too hard. I was all over the place, off my mat, crawling around trying to find the Shamans. Even when the shamans were singing to me, I felt like they were far away even as I was touching them trying to make them real, there were demons preventing me from listening to them (Later I found out that the shamans had to work extra hard with me because I am stubborn, and had built a ton of walls they needed to break down, and the demons kept crowding in). I literally had to just let it go, and sit back and listen, but I couldn't. I poured water over my head hoping I could wake up and get the fuck out of that scary place, it felt like eternity in there. I was looking for help everywhere but within myself, and that was my lesson.
When I finally started looking within myself, I began to heal. Oh man, did I go through so much! Transforming my fears, my past traumas, into nothing. I was able to heal from the past by re-living it, crying for a brief moment, and then letting go. Things I didn't know bothered me were brought into light and I cried and let it go. Then I began touching myself all over, feeling all parts of my being, my nose, face, stomach, and more, and realizing that I am whole, and beautiful and all these inhibitions or ego feelings about my features were ridiculous and I was taught to love myself. I had to forgive myself and apologize to those I had hurt. I had to learn that I am enough and that I was searching for answers from everyone else in the world, friends, strangers, followers, rather than my inner being, which is pure in of itself and I don't need to seek outside approval or love, when it is all within me. I was in the Gaia Tree, the tree of life, saw that we are all tethered to the same light of the world, that we are all connected. I was in pure divine love after all the fear and darkness was pushed away when I was able to speak to myself and Mother was speaking through me. It was just incredible. Towards the end, Mother was telling me that Marco was Real Light so I called him over to me and told him that and I gave him a big hug, and he was so loving. Then I went back to my bed back to the throws of more visions. I had to breathe, and let it go. At one point I was, or Mother was, singing to me. "Little butterfly, flying up the mountain, up among the clouds..." type of song and it was utterly beautiful, it was full of perfect rhymes and pitch and hidden lessons in the song. That singing helped me stayed centered and not allow the demons to come in. I couldn't fight it, and you shouldn't fight it. Once you are able to let go and allow everything to happen, magic truly happens and this was a night of the most profound healing. Letting go of attachments, learning to love myself, to witness divine love. . I was also told that I need to post a portrait that Jesse had taken of me while on our jungle tour with my camera phone. I hated the photo and deleted it and never wanted to see it again. But Mother refused to let me move on with my journey unless I promised to post the photo. So I made that promise.
After the ceremony Turjya (another guest) and I were talking until 3am about our experience and as I was saying, what I think was the most profound of words to him, but I believe these words were coming from Mother Ayahuasca, and even Jesse this night had told me I was Gaia again for him. It was interesting, Mother would speak out loud through me, and I would ask questions as myself. It was phenomenal. I think Turjya and I learned a lot from one another this night. While I was talking to him I saw a vision of a unicorn. The next day while Ricky (another guest) was reading, he put his book down and on the cover was a stunning horse, very similar to the unicorn vision I had seen. Below the horse was a quote "don't fear, just trust and believe" and I took that to be my intention going into the last ceremony.
I am not going to post the video diary because it's too intimate.
Take aways
We mustn't hold ourselves captive, we must let go, we do that through forgiveness and love.
Final Ceremony
I didn't want to drink tonight, so while talking to Bellamira she had said I needed to drink because she was going to protect me tonight. I sat closer to the shamans, and only drank 1/2 of cup as per Bellamira's orders. I gagged, and purged maybe emotions, but no actual vomit, and no defecation. I saw the fractals, mandalas, but fought the urge to go deeper. I refused to purge, and refused to let the darkness in. Instead I just accepted a small lesson from Mother Ayahuasca and really fought to remain as lucid as possible. At one point I began shaking uncontrollably, and seeing demons creep in, but I again I fought against it, I didn't want it. So I focused my breath and listened to the shamans, and my body stopped shaking. Then Mother made me take everything off, I had to get completely naked, no ring, no hair-tie, nothing. I just sat there. Warm, comfortable. The minute I thought I learned my lesson, I put my clothes back on and tried to sleep, but she wouldn't let me. So again, I had to get naked. 100%. Nothing could be on my body. She then had me explore my body. All of my body and told me that I was whole. Again I saw the Gaia Tree and I was happy. I didn't go very deep this night. But the lesson of being complete with absolutely nothing was very real. Being happy with this temporary body. It was just life-changing. Then I saw the aliens, they arrived, they weren't friendly, or I guess, easy in their lessons, but they told me that I need to trust myself, trust Mother, and trust Sean (my husband, to stop nagging him), then I was told that Cei Cei won't get headaches anymore (what was bizarre is that I wasn't the only one who had been told this, Patrick was told this as well). I had an fierce headache. I never get headaches. The aliens had laid out a pure white cloth with metal-like instruments on it and then held my head down and I told them that they had no power over me, and they let me go. I believe this is where I found my voice. A voice I felt like I lost, or never had. Ultimately, a strange night, and easier night than most, but still learned the most incredible lessons.
In summary
Throughout this journey I went through a re-birth. My back pain is gone. My ego is gone. I am able to be centered, to forgive and realize the true interconnectedness to everything around me. It is just fascinating. Beyond words. The healing powers of Ayahuasca is something that every able-bodied person needs to experience. The love, the visions, the truth, it's so wonderful. I remember saying out loud "It's amazing", "Divine love", "Water is life", "It's all light!" I miss the jungle terribly and although I would say I never want to do this again, I find myself craving the experience. I still feel a calling to Ayahuasca and I know I still have much to learn. I have left Peru a different person and I truly hope I will not forget anything that I have learned. I am eternally grateful for the people I have met and those who were supportive of my journey. Marco and Cei Cei were incredible facilitators and the Shamans were the light in my darkness, true healers. the friends I met will be life-long as we all went through something no words can describe or distances can sever.
Lilian and I with our wonderful Shamans Segundo and Bellamira back in the city after our week long journey.
